Watch Your Mouth

My language is atrocious. I swear more now than I ever did, including when I was a university student and trying to overcome the “dumb blonde” stereotype. (Yeah, because “foulmouthed blonde” is a groundbreaking approach to deconstructing gender stereotypes.) In fact, I swear so much now that I believe I could earn the respect of a merchant marine, were I to encounter one. (This is not a solicitation.) For those who only read me, rather than hear me, my swearing is right up there with my usage of parentheses, which (and I don’t believe this to be an exaggeration) is tragically overstated. Unfortunately, I write the way I speak, and I am forever going off on tangents unbeknownst to my audience and which turn out to be funny only to me. Also, I use words like “unbeknownst”. No wonder I keep up the swearing; it’s likely to be the only part of my conversation that sane people understand.

I blame my job for the language. I work in a male-dominated field; white-collar, but to hear what is screamed down phones and yelled across hallways, you’d think you were down some mine somewhere. I think I may be suffering from passive swearing as a result. It’s in the air around me all the time, tainting every conversation, and I have gradually absorbed the poison; now it’s got so bad I can barely string a sentence together without adding in a questionable word or two, you wall-eyed bastard. I plan to sue.

Admittedly I don’t tend to swear directly AT people. I direct almost all of my vituperative comments towards my arch-nemesis: The Laptop. I swear to God, that thing gives me the shits. I begged for a decent machine. BEGGED. Somehow, through the many layers of approval that these things need to go through, the non-ambiguous request “She Needs Something more Powerful than the Rest of Us Put Together” came back as “She Will Get the Standard Laptop, But We’ll Put XP on it to Make Her Feel Better”. Hence I swear at The Laptop almost constantly, as it is unable to handle the processing loads I place upon it. Like, perhaps, having Lotus Notes and Excel open at the same time.

At the start of our association, conversations between The Laptop and me went a little like this:

Me: La la la, deadline coming up, must just finish this bit here.

Laptop: Excel has encountered an error and must close. All your work may be lost. Would you like to send an error message to Microsoft?

Me: No! No! You piece of crap! Damn you! Why does this HAPPEN to me??!

Now that we’ve bonded and we share such a close relationship, it goes something like this:

Me: I have to finish this, and it’s really really important. Please don’t die. Please don’t die. If you die I will fucking KILL you myself you god-damned error-ridden piece of shit. What the … frozen screen …

Laptop: Excel has encountered an error and must close. All your work may be lost. Would you like to send an error message to Microsoft?

Me: You FUCKknuckle.

2 comments to Watch Your Mouth

  • Don’t fight it… you only end up swearing more.
    My dad told my niece that it wasn’t right for her to swear. She wanted to know why she couldn’t and I could. My dad’s response: “Well, she’s different. She’s a teacher.”
    Yay! That means I can do anything, man!

  • except type my web address correctly….

"Make a remark," said the Red Queen: "Its ridiculous to leave all conversation to the pudding!"




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