Australian Champion

It’s been another one of those weeks. No food exploded on me, I’m pleased to say. (Although the hamburger I ate for lunch today wetly imploded. I ended up with a wedge of top bun and a rogue tomato, the rest of the burger having slid into the bag to rest in a greasy mound. I don’t know why I continue to eat these hamburgers when I know full well that they disgust me.) So. As I like lists, and listing things, and ranking said lists (why yes I DO work with data, how perspicacious of you) (and yes I AM mocked for my erudite language skills, more’s the pity), what follows is of course a ranked list, ranked by Impressiveness.

1. Got a metric arseload of work done. No seriously, I’m quite pleased with this. It will enable another month or so of idle puttering on the Necrotising Laptop. I wonder if I can get eBay taken off the Banned Internet Sites list? (Outcome = unlikely. I was recently blocked and recorded for trying to access Dick Smith Electronics. They objected to the Dick. Because, you know, I’m all about the mild porn in work hours.)

2. Joined the Australian Netflix, which is not called Netflix. It is called Fetch Me Movies. Because, apparently, Little Aussie Battlers (TM) need the whole deal spelled out to them in words of one syllable. (and I’m fully aware that ‘Movies’ has more than one syllable, but ‘Films’ sounds pretentious. Mustn’t alienate the Battlers!) Fetch Me Movies are fetching me Love Actually and A Mighty Wind as we speak. Not that we are speaking. Our metaphorical conversation, if you will.

3. The Brown Dog is now an Australian Champion. Hurrah! We have fulfilled our dog showing obligations! Unfortunately, this means the Brown Dog is now the most qualified mammal in the house. (Sure, Mr. T and I have craploads of degrees and diplomas. But are we Australian Champions? We are not.) And as the Brown Dog so clearly outranks us, we feel we should call him Australian Champion at all times: “Get on your mat, Australian Champion!” and, “Sit … speak … no, not you, Pet Quality Black Dog. I was talking to the Australian Champion.” I may move to shorten this to ‘Sir’.

4. Found an atypical MP3 site that has not yet spammed my email, stolen my credit card details or dropped out midway through downloads. Although I feel obliged to confess I am using my powers for evil, namely finding dreadful 80s songs I have on tape and dragging them kicking and screaming into the digital age. Ah, Hitbusters 88, how I loved you. Almost as much as Wham! The Final.

5. I can’t stop saying ‘lemur’. It appears I am chanelling Lisa Simpson where she gives Maggie a flashcard lesson on exotic animals. I catch myself at work muttering, “Lemur. Leeee-mur. Zeeee-bu. Hump and dooo-lap. Doooo-lap.” Note my American pronunciation of ‘dewlap’: brainwashed by the mass media! It’s a conspiracy!

1 comment to Australian Champion

"Make a remark," said the Red Queen: "Its ridiculous to leave all conversation to the pudding!"




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