Oh my God! You’ll never believe what happened to me! There were all these aliens and a huge spaceship shaped like a saucer, no, like a lightbulb, no, like a piglet! And I was beamed inside the piglet, no, sucked inside the microwave, no, fell down a HUGE HOLE SHAPED LIKE THE LIME IN A BOTTLE OF CORONA! And there were all these little people there, and they were jockeys, no, they were grandmas, no, they were APOCALYPTIC STUNT RIDERS! And then we all raced around a track made of tiny marshmellow santas! And I have only now JUST THIS MINUTE returned to this human world! And of course the first thing I did was write this. Um. And here I am!
Actually, I’ve just been really busy.
But don’t you prefer the first version???
So we have two houseguests at the moment, filling our tiny detached abode to capacity. Our first guest is our friend Mr. A, who is marking time until he returns to New Zealand in a couple of weeks. Amongst many other ‘gifts’, we now have the contents of his pantry.
Mr. A: “I don’t know what the fuck this is … a can of cannelloni beans.”
Me: “Cannellini beans.”
Mr. A: “Huh. What do they do?”
Me: “The fuck I know.”
Mr. A: “Cool.”
Our second guest is a dog, of the breed of the Black Dog. So now we have Black Dog, Brown Dog, and Dainty Black Dog (for she is a girl and very little.) Well, she’s not really that little … to people used to normal dogs, she’s probably quite large. Her people have moved to Melbourne and are looking for a dog-friendly house, so for the moment she is fascinating our cat and entertaining our dogs. In fact, she has spent many hours playing with the Brown Dog until both their heads are encrusted with spit. If YOU come round, she’ll play with you too!