7.00am : Alarm on stereo turns the radio on.
7.00.02am: Hand snakes out from under duvet and stabs the alarm off.
7.06am: Cat jumps up onto bed and purrs loudly in face. Settles dirty, filthy cat self on pillow.
7.10am: Mr. T’s mobile phone alarm begins. Fumbled for and stopped.
7.15am, 7.20am, 7.27am, 7.30am: Alarms continue their beeping, chirping cacaphony, for approximately 3 seconds each time.
7.35am: Sudden uprush from bed as both realise we have left the minimum possible timeframe to get out of the house on time. Cat gets up also and commences yowling hopefully for food. Dogs stay asleep in bedroom.
7.36am: Put in contacts, get in shower. Calculate time required to wash and dry hair. Resolve to pull hair back into messy, um, ‘artful’ ponytail.
7.42am: Dry self, add deoderant and moisturiser to self. Look critically at self in mirror. Realise hair looks two shades darker than it should, due to dirtiness. Pull hair back into artful, um, ‘messy’ ponytail. Cat comes into bathroom and yowls in a heartfelt manner. Promise cat that it will be fed, just like every other morning.
7.44am: Add makeup. Clean teeth. Sing ‘I am evil Homer’ in a muffled manner and rock the ‘stirring giant pot’ type dance movement. Be mocked by Mr. T for the dancing. Flick toothbrush off front teeth to spray Mr. T lightly with foam. Yelp. Rub foot.
7.48am: Dogs get up and go down to kitchen where Mr. T is rattling their bowls as he makes them breakfast. Listen to cat yowling madly at Mr. T in the kitchen.
7.52am: Go back to bedroom to look for clothes. Find some black pants. Go into spare room, look through clean washing (which is drying on the airing rack) for clean underwear. Find Grumpy underwear (part of a 7-pack Seven Dwarfs set). Go into bedroom, realise have no clean shirts. Go into spare room, find clean shirt on airing rack, unironed. Debate ironing shirt. Discard shirt. Find black fine-knit cotton T-shirt which does not need ironing. Go into bedroom, tripping over yowling cat on the way. Realise black pants and black shirt is a little more gothic than required for work. Discard black pants. Find black and white striped skirt. Realise underwear must be G-string not bikini to wear under skirt. Go into spare room for more clean underwear. Find some. Realise have been walking to and fro for five minutes unclothed with all curtains open. Smile brightly and wave in direction of neighbours. Assemble clothing and dress.
8.00am: Mr. T departs, after feeding dogs. Go out to kitchen, where dogs have gobbled Weetbix and milk and are now hungry again. Dump dog bowls in sink and fill with hot water. Take dogs outside and encourage toileting in a bright and cheery manner. Wait interminably as dogs sniff every corner of the garden. Bring dogs inside and give them a biscuit each. Refill their water bowl. Try to feed cat, whose yowls have reached fever pitch and are now outside the range of human hearing. Realise cat bowl already contains fresh biscuits. Add one more biscuit. Cat commences eating. Curse at cat.
8.08am: Take dogs out the front to go to the toilet again. Put dogs back in. Collect bag, diary, phone and keys. Lock up house. Tell dogs to be good.