Did you know the permalink for the post below is “fire-in-hole.php” ? This of course made me start singing Johnny Cash: “I fell into … a burning ring of fire … thankyou … thankyouverymuch” (it seems I cannot separate Johnny and Elvis in my singing repertoire) and for some reason, I found this very funny. I choose to blame this on the anaesthetic coursing through my jaw.
No, I haven’t been abducted by aliens (that I REMEMBER, hmmm). Another visit to the dentist, this time to pry out amalgam fillings slowly leaching mercury into my precious, precious brain. Yes! I had to go to the dentist when I broke my tooth on fish (you remember, I’m sure) and the dentist seized the opportunity to capitalise on my “haven’t been to the dentist in five years” dental plan. (Not a recommended plan, I have since learned.) So last week I got a filling, and this week the replacement of an old filling. Last week’s session was done with “Lasers” (“Lasers” must be done with air quotes; those Austin Powers movies have ruined me for life) and is supposed to be pain free. Instead, I was frenetically twitching like a frog in a sock. The dentist, puzzled, dialed it right down from “painless yet loud” to “gentle breeze wafting across cherry blossoms” but still I writhed. “That’s very sensitive, isn’t it?” she said diplomatically, no doubt making a mental note to write on my chart: “Giant Cry-Baby. Avoid and/or Make Fun Of.”
So this week, instead of the “Lasers”, I got the full-on needle in the jaw. Needle! Jaw! Are you still reading? So once the left side of my face had finished tingling and was comfortably numb, hundreds of instruments and sucker things and clamps and tennis balls were pushed into my mouth. Where I proceeded to twitch like a pithed frog. (I’m big on frogs today, it seems.) “You’re not supposed to be feeling ANYTHING,” reproved the dentist, removing all the picks and drills and sports equipment. And replacing them with THE NEEDLE AGAIN. Of course, this time I couldn’t feel it. But even with TWO needles full of anaesthetic, I could still feel the drilling. I swear. I’m not just being a baby. The dentist was most interested, and explained that the nerve that runs from the lip is the same that runs to all the teeth, and that nerve was definitely numb. (In fact, with all the extra numbing, I couldn’t feel under my eye and, horribly, half my ear.) The dentist said the problem was that I probably had more nerves there than normal. In fact, she said I was “extra enervated”. Extra enervated! You heard it here first! I’m totally putting that on my C.V.