o hai

Here I am. You can email me on jacATsiximpossiblethings.net if you like. Tell me about the last cake you ate.

in which i talk about myself in the third person

As a person who has always felt uncomfortable in job interviews and suchlike answering questions about herself, jac does not like the idea of writing a page about herself. She would rather leave that to her adoring admirers, or perhaps her willing slaves. Due to lack of admirers and/or slaves, she is forced to fall back on her own initiative, which has sadly taken the form of writing as if she was a different person. In closing, she thinks maybe one of those “100 Things” lists that all the cool kids are doing would be easier, and perhaps less pretentious. She is such a follower.

This list was originally written in 2003 updated for 2009 2010. Most of it is the same. I’m so boring. Yes.

100 Things

1. I was born in a crossfire hurricane. Wait, no I wasn’t. I was born in New Zealand. No major meteorological events occurred.

2. I’d like to have really short hair, but I suspect my head is the wrong shape.

3. I don’t like diet drinks. They have a strange aspartame aftertaste.

4. Some people, when I am introduced to them as Jacqueline, immediately say, “Pleased to meet you, Jackie”. These people are complete buffoons.

5. I have two dogs and one cat. They are all males.

I have one dog and two cats. They are all males.

I have one dog and two cats, but only one of the cats from before. They are all males.

6. My cat has had The Snip. I had to drop him off and pick him up from the vet. I don’t think he holds it against me.

The new cats were deballed before we got them.

And again.

7. The dog is pedigreed and imported from Europe born just down the road. The cats are from the Lost Dog’s Home.

8. I have two degrees, both in Science.

9. I don’t work in the scientific industry at all. I sold out to the Corporate dark side.

10. One of my friends doesn’t know how to swim. It is hard to express how weird this seems.

11. I live in Melbourne, Australia. I’ve been here for almost 3 almost 5 OMG 8 years.

12. Who likes short shorts? We don’t like short shorts.

13. I like camping. Although the snakes in Australia add a new dimension.

14. I have a can of V energy drink every day when I get to work. In the weekends or on holidays, I don’t drink it at all.

15. My parents built their house when I was three. They still live there.

16. I do not believe in astrology, homeopathy or anything remotely New Age. And don’t get me started on alien abductions.

17. New subdivisions scare me. They seem soulless and fake, like film sets. Plus, what’s with cramming all the houses in together? You’re building them miles away from the city, at least give them a yard with room to swing a cat. Not that I endorse cat-swinging.

18. I like Trivial Pursuit. I often win.

19. I don’t like fake Christmas trees. And I think there’s a special place in hell for the fibre-optic ones I am warming to these. Possibly a bad sign.

20. Jane Austen is one of my favourite authors. I have the English miniseries of “Pride and Prejudice” on DVD. I don’t like Colin Firth in anything other than this series.

21. I caught the train to work for two years. I liked it. Except for the guy who got on one morning and clipped his nails all the way to Caulfield. The whole carriage was tense with agonised revulsion.

22. I live with my boyfriend husband of umpteen years. I tend not to tell people the exact amount of time we have been together, as they tend to look at me like I’m freakish. Or, more freakish.

23. I have never broken a bone.

24. Once I had to drive to country Victoria then back to Melbourne in one day. It’s an 8 hour round trip. The hire car did not have a CD player or decent radio reception. I only have one tape. I can still sing the entire score of “Chess”.

25. I talk really fast. And the drunker I am, the faster I talk.

26. I don’t need company and I’m hardly ever bored.

27. I don’t understand people who clap at the movies. What’s the point? The cast can’t hear you, and all you’re doing is irritating other audience members. Specifically, me.

28. I don’t bite my nails, and I cut them really short. Long nails irritate me.

29. I hate those Successories-style motivational posters. What does an eagle know about leadership? Hunting rodents from 1km up, yes. Empowering a dynamic and tight-knit team, no.

30. People who misuse the term “literally” shit me to tears. Not literally.

31. It is a constant source of amazement, witnessing the joy that Australians derive from telling sheep jokes to New Zealanders.

32. My eyesight is terrible. I have worn contact lenses since I was twelve.

33. I really like stationery. I hate it when people spell it “stationary”. It’s certainly not going anywhere.

34. Don’t eat the pine-lime Freddo. Not even if it’s the only one left in the charity snack box. Seriously. I don’t think they make this flavour any more, but it still holds true for Blueberry.

35. I like buying makeup, but am far less enthusiastic about wearing it.

36. I don’t drink 8 glasses of water a day. I doubt I drink 8 glasses of anything a day.

37. I have an Amazon wish list, but it’s not posted here. It seems kind of grasping. It doesn’t seem to bother me when other people post theirs.

38. Egg on pizza is wrong. Just wrong.

39. I still remember some of the dance steps from the years of jazz ballet I gave up at eleven or so. Kick-ball-change, side to side.

40. I’m not good at reading maps. I get turned upside-down too easily.

41. When I’ve got Roses chocolates, I leave the vile strawberry ones till last. And the orange-and-coconut ones too.

42. Due to years of Christmas Day screenings of “The Sound of Music”, I could perform the whole movie.

43. My favourite dinner-at-home-by-myself is linguine with basil pesto.

44. I’d rather be a passenger than a driver. You see more that way.

45. In principle, I loathe reality TV shows. In actuality, if I start watching an episode, I will usually keep watching it and end up yelling abuse at the screen.

46. I like to ski. I’m a terrible skiier.

47. I once made my sister eat grass. I think we were pretending she was a horse.

48. I used to cut the Calvin & Hobbes comic strip out of the New Zealand Herald every day and glue them into a scrapbook.

49.Even though I now have most of the annuals, I still like my scrapbooks better.

50. I have eaten fresh pineapple until my mouth bleeds. Hasn’t everyone?

51. I like to say Cobram-Barooga. It’s a town – actually, twin towns on the NSW/Vic border. Cobram-Barooga. Hee.

52. My favourite misheard lyric is from Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody: “Beelzebub has a biscuit put aside for me….”

53. I don’t tan easily. I burn then peel. So I try not to get sunburnt.

54. I kill plants. I forget to water them.

55. I prefer the beach to lakes, but I like swimming in fresh water rather than salt water.

56. I don’t drink coffee. We have a commercial grade coffee machine.

57. People answer my rhetorical questions. Why is that?

58. I still have my first rag doll. Her name is Jemima.

59. I don’t like breakfast cereals.

60. When I was young, I had an invisible friend called Jiggedy. You know that’s true, because if I was making that up, I’d for sure choose a better name than Jiggedy.

61. I have Where the Wild Things Are fridge magnets.

62. Casinos depress me.

63. My dog has different coloured eyes. We miss this dog a lot. We probably talk about him at least once a day.

64. My eyes are both dark blue.

65. I love the phrase, “going off like a frog in a sock”.

66. I can quote The Princess Bride, but I try not to.

67. I don’t like Mondays.

68. I used to write my own Choose Your Own Adventure books when I was younger.

69. I was a Brownie and a Girl Guide. Although not a particularly good example of either.

70. Peas are my favourite vegetable. Especially fresh unpodded peas.

71. I own several sets of vintage scales. I refuse to call it a collection. Oh, it is totally a collection by now. I think I’m in double figures.

72. My nickname until I was five was Poppy.

73. I have never lived in a house with a dishwasher. YES YES WE OWN A DISHWASHER YESSSSS.

74. I don’t like baths – I am always too hot or too cold.

75. I go to bed late.

76. I hate getting up early.

77. I think I should know more history than I do.

78. I can do cross-stitch and needlepoint.

79. In multiplication, I know what ‘six eights’ equals, but not ‘eight sixes’.

80. I have toured more than one sewerage plant.

81. I remember when KFC was called Kentucky Fried Chicken.

82. I can’t swallow tablets.

83. I talk in my sleep. Allegedly.

84. All my clothes have dog hair on them.

85. I get queasy if I try to read in cars, but I can read on the train.

86. I never finish the last mouthful of any drink. This drives most people mad.

87. I almost always leave food on my plate as well.

88. I don’t eat my crusts. My hair is dead straight.

89. I don’t watch much TV anymore. This isn’t such a bad thing.

90. I am an excellent procrastinator.

91. I can wink my left eye but not my right.

92. An aromatherapy oil burner is the most useless gift I can think of.

93. I remember my phone number from 1993, but always forget my current one.

94. I am ticklish.

95. I like my middle name.

96. I have a scar on my stomach from a removed mole. The doctor told me not to run or play tennis until it healed. He never mentioned jumping on the trampoline.

97. I’ve never flown business class.

98. I don’t have any tattoos. I’m not against them per se, but I’ve never found anything I really wanted to etch permanently on myself.

99. I like lying in bed listening to rain on the roof.

100. I picked my Yahoo login without realising it could be construed as mildly risqué. I get a lot of private messages.