six impossible things

OK, so my poor ghetto laptop. I told you I’d come back and talk about it. I don’t blame you for not believing me.

See, I’m not very good to my laptop. Although it’s only two years old, it lies around the house, mostly on the floor, and stays open and gets food on it and god only knows what other abuse. The area next to the touch screen is scratched all to shit from me using an external mouse on it without a mousepad. But the worst part is that because I leave it open a lot, the easiest way to pick it up is by the top of the screen: I KNOW THIS IS BAD and if you don’t know this is bad then TAKE MY WORD FOR IT IT’S BAD. Anyway, spare me your tsking because of course the hinges have snapped. The hinges at the sides that allow the lid to open and close, I mean. At first, it was only one hinge, and I was irritated and rough with it because I had no idea what was going on… you don’t really expect something MECHANICAL to bollocks up on your laptop, you know? Catastrophic hard drive failure, or pixels failing in the screen, fine, but not a piece of metal wearing out from fatigue. Well, maybe you do. I sure as hell didn’t. Googling has since taught me that this particular laptop is rife for broken hinges, well THANK YOU GOOGLE as I DID NOT THINK to check ‘hinge durability’ during my quest for a laptop. If you did think to check this, then kudos to you, because it certainly never crossed my mind.

Anyway, when your hinge breaks, and then your other hinge breaks, and Mr. T unscrews your laptop screen surround and informs you that your laptop is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED, what happens is that the screen part becomes attached to the keyboard part by only a couple of wires. This seems fine, until you realise that to use a laptop, the screen has to be sort of VERTICAL. Being attached by wires only means it pretty much stays HORIZONTAL, if not leaning drunkenly towards the floor or sliding alarmingly to the side, meaning you have to lunge desperately at the screen lest it part ways entirely with the rest of the laptop. What this means in practice is that you have to use your laptop with your knees drawn up, so as to let the screen part rest backwards against your knees. The other way you can do this is to lie on your side on the new carpet, and stand the laptop up on its side, tilting the screen to its preferred angle. Of course, it’s then completely impossible to type, so apologies if my commenting dips from its current craptastic levels down to non-existent.

This all sounds sad, right? It’s even sadder when you realise this happened several months ago, and I ebayed and purchased the correct hinges, and they arrived and Mr. T installed them and my laptop was all happy again (although not really, as the hinges were second hand and already temperamental). Anyway, this lasted about eight weeks and I sort of got back into my laptop routine and I once (twice) (couple of times maybe) (definitely) picked it up by its screen again. Guess what? Yeah. I need to get back onto ebay. And also stop being such a DUMBARSE.

My internet is intermittently phasing in and out and it is KILLING me. This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. I am trying to DO STUFF here, internet! I mean, the correct thing to do here is turn the internet off, but it is patently obvious that I don’t know how to do that.

I have spent an horrific amount of money lately and it needs to stop. I aimlessly wander through the internet and then I BUY IT. Just like other people wander through stores, only I am too lazy and busy to do this. Actually I was wandering through Target at one stage, minding my own business, when a saleslady of advanced age came up to me. She was brandishing those PixiFoto portraits that Target had at one stage, trying to sell me a photo package. “Would you like these beautiful family portraits?” she asked me, waiving a large portrait shot of two mildly ugly children in my direction. I opened my mouth to say, “But I don’t even know those people!” then snapped it shut again. But really, I should have said it. I really DIDN’T know those people.

I think I have had too much sugar today. This is rating up there with the day I had a bottle of V at work (energy drink, similar to Red Bull but not as horrible); and the bottle is significant as it’s twice as large as the can. Then, as you do, I bought a bottle of red ice tea at lunch, but I failed to see that the ice tea contained guarana. And really, why would I look for that? Who would expect ice tea to contain guarana? Who would put that into tea? Anyway, after the equivalent of 4 energy drinks, I was a wired mess and couldn’t sit still. I basically kept printing things out, one page at a time, so I could stomp the length of the building to the printer and work off some energy. I feel sort of like that, but for no reason. Rarg! Hulk smash!

Also, I am allergic to something and have little itchy hive things. I never react to anything, so this is odd. (First person to suggest I am allergic to the carpet and should stop rolling on it gets a DEATH STARE from me. Only because this started before we had the carpet laid… don’t think I hadn’t thought of it.) I think it might be the soap I’m using, so I went back to the original soap. Hopefully this works out for me as otherwise I am out of ideas. Anyway, being itchy is not fun and I don’t enjoy it. If I get hayfever next I will not best be pleased. Oh, this paragraph should really be in the post below, as it’s something I’m annoyed about, but really this whole blog is Something I’m Annoyed About so I don’t feel I’ve miscategorised.